Only down 0.4 this week. It didn't bother me. At first. My very cool Weight Watcher leader said because I have just started an exercise program it is to be expected while my muscles are trying to figure everything out.
But you know what? By yesterday morning, I was just mad. I mean totally honked off. Asking God, "Why do I have to work so hard for every tenth of a pound?!" I mean truly. The anger carried over to today. As I sit here thinking about things tonight, though, while staring at my Weight Watcher materials and willing my brain to absorb it all right now, please, I am thinking, "It took you a long time to put the weight on. It's going to take a while to take it off the safe way. The way you can sustain it and make it a lifestyle.
And I finally realize that the "fat fairy" is not going to magically come while I am sleeping and do full-body liposuction. If I want to get rid of this lard, I am going to have to do the work. And I am realizing as I ask God to show me more of the nastiness of my selfish ways, He has shown me that any time things get too hard, or there is some stress involved, or things do not go my way, I stuff down the feelings with food. My mission for this week? Give myself permission to actually feel my feelings - the anger, resentment, etc. But then to let that go. Because underneath this fat costume is years of repressed feelings just waiting for permission to come out. So, to those repressions I say, "Come on out. It's time. Please find somebody else to abide with, because I need room for The True Comforter. Jesus, my brother, God, my Heavenly Papa, and the Holy Spirit whom I have always sort of pictured as an Indian Princess wearing buckskin with handcrafted turquoise beads and her waist-length blue/blank hair billowing around her in a gentle breeze. Okay - so I have a vivid imagination!
I have now laid this tantrum to rest for good. I am sure there will be others along the way and with God's help, I will conquer it, each time, until I can truly say this whole new lifestyle is second nature. Goodnight, my cyberfriends, wherever you are!
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