Thursday, July 26, 2012

Weigh-In #3

Only down 0.4 this week.  It didn't bother me.  At first.  My very cool Weight Watcher leader said because I have just started an exercise program it is to be expected while my muscles are trying to figure everything out. 

But you know what?  By yesterday morning, I was just mad.  I mean totally honked off.  Asking God, "Why do I have to work so hard for every tenth of a pound?!"  I mean truly.  The anger carried over to today.  As I sit here thinking about things tonight, though, while staring at my Weight Watcher materials and willing my brain to absorb it all right now, please, I am thinking, "It took you a long time to put the weight on.  It's going to take a while to take it off the safe way.  The way you can sustain it and make it a lifestyle. 

And I finally realize that the "fat fairy" is not going to magically come while I am sleeping and do full-body liposuction.  If I want to get rid of this lard, I am going to have to do the work.  And I am realizing as I ask God to show me more of the nastiness of my selfish ways, He has shown me that any time things get too hard, or there is some stress involved, or things do not go my way, I stuff down the feelings with food.  My mission for this week?  Give myself permission to actually feel my feelings - the anger, resentment, etc.  But then to let that go.  Because underneath this fat costume is years of repressed feelings just waiting for permission to come out.  So, to those repressions I say, "Come on out.  It's time.  Please find somebody else to abide with, because I need room for The True Comforter.  Jesus, my brother, God, my Heavenly Papa, and the Holy Spirit whom I have always sort of pictured as an Indian Princess wearing buckskin with handcrafted turquoise beads and her waist-length blue/blank hair billowing around her in a gentle breeze.  Okay - so I have a vivid imagination!

I have now laid this tantrum to rest for good.  I am sure there will be others along the way and with God's help, I will conquer it, each time, until I can truly say this whole new lifestyle is second nature.  Goodnight, my cyberfriends, wherever you are!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Weigh-In #2

I lost another 2 pounds.  That is 4.4 pounds in 2 weeks which I am totally happy with.  I will no longer be defined by the number on the scale and I am going to amp my activity WAY up this week.  I know that God is in control and with Him this is very doable.  Small goals.  I am going to walk, and eventually want to run.  I want to train to run a 5 K.  With God's help I can do it. 

All of my past self-hate and what I perceived as letting God down, little did I know until very recently that he loves me where I am, AS I am.  Now, my first reaction is to wallow in self-pity for the past.  All of the lost time that I can never get back.  But I refuse to give in to the "coulda, shoulda, wouldas."  I have today and I will choose to crave God OVER food every day.  There are struggles still.  I now realize this "food addiction" was much worse than I ever wanted to admit that it was.  But last week when faced with PMS (sorry for any fellas reading this but I have to be honest), and I thought I "needed" salty and crunchy and almost felt like I would die without it, that was a real wakeup call and a HUGE problem.  In that moment, I valued myself so little that if I would have had a whole bag of potato chips here I would have eaten every crunchy salt chip right down to the crumbs in the corners of that bag.  How did I get through that, you ask?  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  The feeling eventually passed.  And I am no better than the people on that show "Intervention" except that instead of cocaine or meth, my drug of choice is food. 

No longer will I numb myself.  I will allow myself to feel and work through those feelings as God continues to peel back those layers until I am stripped of all of the junk that has been piling on for years.  Will I feel lighter?  I really think I will.  No matter what the number on the scale is.......

Saturday, July 14, 2012

What To Do?

Tonight I have been peeling back more layers.  There are regrets I am still carrying from my young adulthood.  All the hopes and dreams I had for myself that were never realized, some other decisions I made that I deeply regret, and what I now see is that I have never really forgiven myself for any of it.  God has.  Why can't I forgive myself?  This is part of my weight issue.  I don't love myself very much sometimes and so I take it out on my body.  And as I started to reminisce tonight about some "old stuff", I wanted to eat.  Anything and everything.  I opted for some cantaloupe, but at the first sign of discomfort I wanted food like a crack addict needed her fix so she does not go through withdrawal. 

I always wear a smile so people do not know I am not happy.  But weight on the outside is the physical manifestation of a different kind of weight, spiritual and emotional weight, pressing on the inside, whether it is lying dormant or rearing its ugly head.  So this is going to be the real challenge, my friends.  To let all of that go once and for all.  Once the weight has been lifted on the inside, the weight will begin to roll off on the outside.  It is going to take dying to self daily.  Multiple times daily.  Forgiving myself for being too much of a coward to stand up for what I wanted in my young adulthood.  Forgiving myself for my actions that came out of some decisions that I did make in my young adulthood.  Realizing no matter how miserable I make myself, I cannot change the past.  I can, however, effect the future.  Of my life in Christ, to be sure.  That is really the only life that matters.  And the Christ-lives of my children.  This is the stuff true success is made of.  My prayer is that I can become a role model for my own daughters so they do not go through this lifelong battle like I did.  Most of my yoyo weight behaviors I learned from my mama, and she learned them from her mama.  But you know what?  The cycle ends with me.  The future women in my family will not have this struggle.  Not if I have anything to do with it.  This I know for a fact - I am learning as I continually peel back the layers on my internal onion and uncover another mess, I will give my younger self a hug, tell her it is okay, that she did the best she could with what she had to work with, and then ask God to forgive me and turn it over to Him, knowing he will scatter it as far as the East is from the West.  PRAISE GOD!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Craving, Craving, Craving...

So certain times of the month I crave salty, crunchy things.  I sprinkle salt on celery, radishes, cucumbers, staying away from my usual snack of choice this time of the month - pretzels.  Because I know if I have them in the house, I will eat the whole bag and then feel awful that I let myself down.  It makes me think about the way Eve was tempted, and then how Jesus was tempted.  Satan may have tempted each in kind years and years and decades apart, but his tactics remain the same and, frankly, you'd think he'd try something new sooner or later.  God made us to crave so we would always want more of Him.  Satan, doing what he does, twists that around.  There are 3 basic ways he attacks our God-given craving:  Physical, material, and significance.  With Eve, it was seeing the fruit was good for food (physical), pleasing to the eye (material), and for gaining wisdom (significance).  With Jesus had been fasting and Satan tempted him to make the stones into bread (physical), he promised Jesus kingdoms if he would bow down and worship him (material), and tried to force Jesus into proving he was the Son of God by throwing himself down so the angels would rescue Him (significance).

Now, 2000 years later, old Satan's tactics are the same with me:  Those pretzels are pretty good food in the snack category (physical), they are very pleasing to the eye (material), and if I share them with the girls they will love me (significance).

Well I've got news, Mr. Satan - I did not buy them at the store because I KNEW they are a weakness and I have worked too hard for the last 2 weeks to blow it all now.  So BACK off and leave me alone because I know that I can suffer the pain of change or suffer the way that I am and I choose to suffer the pain of change.  You are no longer welcome, here.  Buh-Bye now!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Week 1 Down, So Is My Weight

I woke up this morning with a feeling of total peace, even though I knew I had to be weighed today.  Many times in the past on the many other weight loss journeys I have had on my own, weigh-in day brought a feeling of trepidation knowing at high noon I would be in a showdown with the Weight Watcher scale.  I could almost picture it in a spaghetti western style (how many points for the spaghetti?).  Me looking down at the scale, fingers twitching like they are ready to pull my six-shooter, saying to myself, "Do you feel lucky?  Well, do ya?"  The difference this time is, it is a total rewiring of my heart, soul, and mind.  I am not defined by the number on the scale, and really I didn't care what it said.  I knew I would be happy either way, because this time is different.  I have opened up my heart and mind to include God in my journey and now realize this is a lifestyle change.  In the past I have worked hard to get to my goal and then would somehow feel like I was "cured."  That led to failure time and time again.and I am confident once my goal is met this time I will never go back. 

I had a Weight Watcher leader a long time ago that used to say, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."  I have a new saying:  "Nothing tastes as good as peace feels."  Incidentally, I did lose 2.4 pounds which is a good, safe number to achieve.  I did not put this weight on overnight and I sure won't take it off overnight either. 

So, my dear friends, it does not matter what the number is on the scale.  Just like life itself there will be ups and downs but as long as I follow my program and know I did my best as unto the Lord, I will be okay and won't have to shoot the scale in that high-noon showdown. 

Saturday, July 7, 2012

July 7, 2012

"See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands." Isaiah 49:16a (NLT)

I love it when you run across a verse just flipping through the Bible looking for something else. 
I have seen this verse hundreds of times, but it really gave me a smack today and I could literally hear a little voice inside my head say, "PAY ATTENTION TO THIS."  God wants to be involved in EVERY aspect of our lives.  Even our weight struggles.  A God who who knows every wrong thing I have ever done adores me enough to write MY name on the palm of his hand.  It is an amazing, glorious, freeing thing to realize God has done this.  He really sees us, cares about us, and knows us by name, right....where....we.....are.

Friends, this is shoutin' stuff!! I have literally been a slave to dieting since the tender age of 10 when I was on my first high protein diet.  To this day a boiled egg or boiled chicken breast turns my stomach. 

I do not know why it took me this many years to turn my weight struggle over to Him.  I am also turning over my people-pleaser tendencies to Him, which I am starting to see added to my weight problem.  Keep saying yes, keep doing, keep seeking approval in everyone, and please do not ever say no for fear of disappointing someone.  Instead be a disappointment to yourself and stuff those feelings down with food.  This is very twisted and very wrong; yet I did it. 

I even caught myself doing it today at Fritsch's.  We went there for brunch.  I ordered the big chicken caesar salad sans croutons and cheese, with the dressing on the side.  When it arrived, a huge mounded platter of salad topped with grilled chicken breast, I was very glad to have it.  I was hungry!  The first piece of chicken I put into my mouth was so dried out I had to chew for a very long time and use my drink to wash it down.  Then I discovered the beautiful platter of lettuce was slimy and rotten underneath.  Instead of complaining, I kept my mouth shut and when the server came to the table to ask if I wanted a box for mine, I just said no.  I did not say anything to her.  Miss Nice.  Did not want to say anything or make anyone, including myself, be uncomfortable.  So I paid $7.95 for something that was inedible.  When we left Big Boy I immediately thought, "A Mocha Moo Latte would taste great right now."  Of course, It would take over half of my daily food points, but I wanted that comfort food.  My spirit was checked.  I would have felt SO much better if I had just told the server the problem with the salad.  The fact that I even realized it BEFORE I headed to DQ to buy that Moo Latte is a miracle. 

I am an onion in this process and daily the Holy Spirit is peeling back the layers and revealing new levels of "stuff" I had never thought of before.

This is my prayer:

Dear Lord, I am constantly amazed at how great You are and how insignificant to you I should be.  Yet, still You remember me.  It is amazing that You not only remember me, but You love me and care for me, enough to engrave me on Your hand. Thank You for loving me that much.   Help me remember this truth on the days where I feel forgotten, unloved, and wanting to turn to food.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Weight Watchers/Made to Crave Day 4

July 6, 2012
  I will not be defined by a number on the scale any longer either.  I will always be a recovering food addict and people pleaser, but I will be able to live victoriously even through the ups and downs.  Because, you know what?  God loves me no matter what.  I am almost giddy at that thought, dear friends.  More tomorrow!
I Corinthians 10:31: "So eat your meals heartily, not worrying about what others say about you—you're eating to God's glory, after all, not to please them. As a matter of fact, do everything that way, heartily and freely to God's glory."  The Message
Yep, God cares even about our food; and, wanting to glorify God, and knowing my worth and value come from Him, today even easier than yesterday. I have dieted and gained and dieted and gained all my life. What I NEVER did before is give it over to God and let Him have that part of me. What freedom I now have knowing that I can overcome this obstacle.
Why didn't I see it before? Because I had blinders on where my weight was concerned, always looking down at the number on the scale. Not any longer!