Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Weigh-In #2

I lost another 2 pounds.  That is 4.4 pounds in 2 weeks which I am totally happy with.  I will no longer be defined by the number on the scale and I am going to amp my activity WAY up this week.  I know that God is in control and with Him this is very doable.  Small goals.  I am going to walk, and eventually want to run.  I want to train to run a 5 K.  With God's help I can do it. 

All of my past self-hate and what I perceived as letting God down, little did I know until very recently that he loves me where I am, AS I am.  Now, my first reaction is to wallow in self-pity for the past.  All of the lost time that I can never get back.  But I refuse to give in to the "coulda, shoulda, wouldas."  I have today and I will choose to crave God OVER food every day.  There are struggles still.  I now realize this "food addiction" was much worse than I ever wanted to admit that it was.  But last week when faced with PMS (sorry for any fellas reading this but I have to be honest), and I thought I "needed" salty and crunchy and almost felt like I would die without it, that was a real wakeup call and a HUGE problem.  In that moment, I valued myself so little that if I would have had a whole bag of potato chips here I would have eaten every crunchy salt chip right down to the crumbs in the corners of that bag.  How did I get through that, you ask?  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  The feeling eventually passed.  And I am no better than the people on that show "Intervention" except that instead of cocaine or meth, my drug of choice is food. 

No longer will I numb myself.  I will allow myself to feel and work through those feelings as God continues to peel back those layers until I am stripped of all of the junk that has been piling on for years.  Will I feel lighter?  I really think I will.  No matter what the number on the scale is.......

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